CEC ArtsLink VisArt Project: Clarina Bezzola visits Nizhniy Novgorod

Art in the public realm in Nizhniy Novgorod

2009-05-31T11:26:00.000-07:00

I have been invited by CEC Arts Link, an international Arts organization to visit Nizhniy Novgorod, one of the third largest cities and also one of the oldest ones, situated at the beautiful Volga River.

CEC Arts Link is an organisation which encourages and supports creative cooperation among artists and cultural managers, enriching communities in the United States and Eastern and Central Asia and the Caucasus.

It's now been almost a week that I have spent here in Nizhniy with a group of absolutely lovely and admirable young students. They have been all so unbelievably courageous to question and face themselves and finally to come up with a project which both speaks about themselves and and the city they live in. Some of these young people have lived here in Nizhniy Novgorod all their lives and some have only recently arrived; but what unites them all is that they are all looking for a new, deeper and more meaningful connection with this city they call their homes.

I want to thank all of the people who have made this project possible and especially I would like to express my thanks to Jane Lombard, Susie Katz, Fritzie Brown, Anna Gore, Sasha Suvorkov, Olga Tatosyan, Nastya Tolstaya, and last but definitely not least the lovely and passionate Masha Zveleneva, my faithful and supportive translator!

This blog is divided in four parts. The first part is this introduction. Then each project by each student is introduced with a text and accompanying pictures. Then chronologically backwards, in the third part, one can find out the story of each student, how he or she came up with the project and why this is a specifically meaningful thing for them to do. Then finally, in the last part, which in fact was written shortly upon my arrival in Nizhniy, you can read an account about my travels from New York to Nizhniy Novgorod and how it felt for me to arrive there and get introduced to the city and it's people.

The Communicator: Anna Tolkacheva

2009-05-31T11:01:00.000-07:00

Anna Tolkacheva's project is based on the idea of a communicator. Inspired by Masha, my interpreter's position, Anna realized that she would like to do a project which would help people in Nizhniy communicate things, they don't easily manage to get past their lips.
Anna's idea consists of her going up to a random person in the streets of Nizhniy and ask him or her if they could help her with something she has a hard time letting go of; that there is a certain phrase that she would like to tell someone specific, but for various reasons she is unable to say this particular message to this particular person. Anna would now like to say this particular phrase this person, she just met, him or her being a random coice, to practise saying it and to let it go, and also in hope to eventually get back the answer she has been waiting for, for so long. After saying her phrase, Anna then invites this person to say a phrase of their own to her; a phrase, which they needed to communicate, but couldn't, and she would then take this phrase and bring it to the next random person.

After having gone up to the next person, Anna would then only say the phrase she just heard from the last person, and then in turn invite this new person to give her a new phrase which she would then carry to the next person.

Anna would do this action until she finds a person who happens to say what she herself is looking for; an answer to her own phrase with which she had started the whole project.

Anna can now be found on the square outside the Nizhniy Contemporary Art Center.

After offering the person she just approached an opportunity to relieve her mind as well, she thanks her and walks on to take her phrase to the next person.

In that way, she is giving the people and also herself a chance to practice, what seems too hard to do and perhaps, if the phrases travel long enough, they might end up at last with the persons they were meant for in the first place.

To me the simplicity and purity of this project are really wonderful and I am very excited when I hear later, that the mere act of performing such a service in the streets had filled Anna with tremendous joy. In fact, later, as she walks into her university for class with a bright beaming smile, she gets asked by her classmates, whether she had already found out about marvelously good grades from her final exams, which, as we know was not the reason for her happiness.

The Wishing Well: Julia Novikova

2009-05-30T10:08:00.001-07:00

Julia Novikova's project is to bring a wishing well to Nizhniy Novgorod: She wants to be an angel in the streets carrying a magical mirrored box around into which people she meets, can toss their wishes. Every time someone is ready to throw the piece of paper onto which he or she has written a wish, Julia raises the box so that in the moment of tossing the wish, the person is faced with his or her own reflection, as an indicator, that really only oneself can ever make one's wish come true!

This project is one I am especially excited about. Above all, as she at the beginning of the workshop claimed that she was someone without her own images, but could only describe things, she had seen somewhere else before to describe her feelings.

After a great deal of discussions, whether she should dress up as an angel or just be herself, she ends up wearing her own clothes, but throws in some adorable angel wings; the kind, a little girl would wear in a school play. With her cute skirt and her perfectly white socks, she goes around the streets to introduce herself as the angel, who is here to help their wishes come true.

Many write down their dreams and some who want to write BMW get all caught up in arguments with their friends about the right spelling.

Many people are excited to make their contribution.

These girls with the white flowers in their hair, have just graduated from high school.

In the moment a person is about to throw a wish into the slot of this magical box, Julia raises the box, so that the luck seeker's face reflected.

This shocking confrontation hits one in the face with the statement, that no one besides oneself can ever make one's wish come true.

Certainly I also want to place my wish and although, I was prepared of every aspect of this project, I am truly shocked when suddenly my own face is thrown right into my face. This is such an intense experience with a long lasting effect. I walk on thinking about it for a long time!

The Mirror of Childhood Fears: Nadja Lebedeva

2009-05-30T08:57:00.000-07:00

Nadja's project is meant to help people confront their childhood fears, a burden, many people carry around for most of their lives. Dressed as an artist from a bygone era, she goes up to people and asks them to help her draw or sculpt an illustration of their fears. Then, after the ghost has been named, it is up to the person to say what should happen with the representation of it.

As I was very curious how Nadjas’s experience of meeting people NOT through her vast knowledge of words in various languages, but through drawing people’s childhood fears would be, I am very excited to walk up to a entire crowd of people where she is stationed.

Nadja, has brought along an array of utensils along, to be ready for any need the interpretation of those fears could ask for. Plenty of people are in need of an opportunity to tell their stories in great detail.

A young man elaborates on descriptions of the headmaster of his high school, who must have been a very intimidating figure. Together, they draw her portrait and make great fun of it.

One woman tells about her fear of darkness while an other tells her of a terrible dream.

What happens with the artwork inspired by those stories is entirely up to the person sharing the experience, but in any case, it should help the purifying and liberating process.

Liberation of a Repressed Man: Katja Shugaeva

2009-05-29T06:13:00.000-07:00

Katja's project is a liberation project for repressed people who struggle with the pressures of society. People who are trapped in a world between things they feel they HAVE TO do and things they feel, they NOT ALLOWED TO do can now watch how someone liberates herself from these burdens. Dressed up as an average business man, her hair strictly pulled back and wearing a tie, Katja hits the streets. Approaching people randomly, Katja holds out a roll of tape to to them and asks them to write down with a marker onto her tape, all the things that they feel like they HAVE TO do. Finally, when her tape is used up and she is completely suffocating and trapped in all those imperatives, Katja searches for someone who would tie her loose and liberate her.

People are very receptive to this idea, as everyone loves it, when they get a chance to talk about their struggles!

Especially the children who have just come out from class: they literally attack her and want to use up her whole roll of tape at once, as they feel there are so many things they are forced to do.

As she manages to free herself from the hord and move on to also give an other social demographic a chance, she finds many more people from most various backgrounds.

Some people are too busy, or too important to participate in such silly things, They have to work!!

Otherwise, the list consists of studying, going to school, washing the windows, to even having to deal with the consequences of not having married the man one truly was in love with.

People are cooperative and thankful and again, walk away with a smile and a lighter heart.

At one point when Kaia’s body is so wrapped up in tape that she can’t move anymore and the roll of tape is almost used up. So she waits until the right person walks by, the person who can free her from her shackles and burdens!

It feels good not to be tied up by duties anymore, she says!

The Interpretation and Advice Box: Valya Kan

2009-05-29T05:40:00.001-07:00

Valya's project is an opportunity for people in the streets of Nizhniy Novgorod, to see their personal struggles through an other perspective. Patiently, she sits in this box and holds out a paper with a note written on it, asking people to help her help them. When approached by the curious, she asks them, again, strictly using written notes to communicate, to write down a situation they themselves feel trapped in; a situation they have a hard time to solve in their lives. After receiving the written statement from those passers by, Valya, thinks of an other perspective and writes her advice or a different view of the situation on the other side of the note.

Here is she sitting in her little house which she constructed for herself. This shelter, resembling a ship, is now ready to navigate the scary oceans of strangers in the streets of Nizhniy Novgorod. Valya’s cabin is all painted white with little holes cut into the sides for her to stick out her arms to exhibit papers with various messages written on them.

The roof of her shelter is made of white fabric to let in enough light and also the holes on the sides have little pieces of fabric attached over them to give Valia the most possible privacy and highten the sense of mystery. After we help her set up, she starts her performance by holding out a piece of paper with big letters, requesting people to help her help them.

At first it seems that no one will ever take the step to approach her box and Masha and I decide to go and buy some water for Valia, to help her feel good and be patient while sitting in the blazing sun.

When we come back, we find a big crowd gathered around her. That’s so exciting! Valya, doesn’t even manage to answer all the requests at once.

After people read the first paper asking for their assistance and, Valya asks people to write down and describe a situation from their lives with which they feel stuck, a situation they have a hard time solving or dealing with.

Many people write notes to Valya while she sits in her cabin contemplating on their issues. To each note Valya receives, she writes a piece of advice on the other side of the paper in response.(this exchange has a very mysterious aspect, as neither Valya, not the people, ever get a chance to see each other)

Sometimes the exchange goes back and forth many times until the client is satisfied.

But everyone walks away with a smile and a lighter heart. We are so excited to see this, and this in Nizhniy Novgorod, which many had only known as a heartless, cold city. Actually, quite the opposite is true and Valya is excited to see her new home in a completely different light!

A City Tour in the Wrong City: Andrei Nosov and Andrei Amirov

2009-05-25T23:07:00.000-07:00

Andrei Nosov and Andei Amirov's project is to organize two city tours in two Russian cities simultaneously. The cities are Nizhniy Novgorod and Saratov; Saratov being the city, where Andrei Amirov has to travel to for some work reason. The absurd and simultaneously special aspect of their idea is, that both Amdreis who are giving the tours, are not speaking about the city they are situated at, but about the city where their respective partner of this project is giving his tour at. So Andrei in Saratov talks in great details about Nizhniy, while pointing at things in Saratov and Andrei in Nizhniy explains all historical aspects and architectural details about all sights in Saratov, while pointing at buildings and streets in Nizhniy

Now it's time to take a city tour! I have been here an entire week and I feel like I know nothing. On Sunday I will take the train to St. Petersburg and a few days later I will have to go back to New York. All my time here in Nizhniy I spent indoors, discussing projects with students. How could I now possibly learn everything about Russia in the little time I have left?

But I find the perfect solution!! A city tour covering two cities at once! A two for one deal, perfect for someone like me!! ... cost and time efficient... A city tour in Nizhniy Novgorod telling me everything about Saratov!

The two Andrei's project is so wonderfully absurd. A city tour about Saratov in Nizhniy!

At 7pm the group meets at the entrance of the Nizhniy Novgorod University and I guess Andrei in Saratov has selected a similar place.

Andrei stands there with a big funnel held against his mouth to amplify his voice promoting the start of his city tour.

There are some young folks standing about and drinking beer, they are indeed very puzzled about this offer!

Finally, a group of enthusiasts takes off, to learn all about the spectacular sights of Saratov and it’s history, while looking at streets, buildings, and other various sights in Nizhny!

I am deeply impressed by the thorough research Andrei has done and his in depth knowledge of the city he might never have seen himself.

Well, Masha, my translator explains, he is a typical example if a real University student!

We walk from building to building, listen to his explanations about the ancient Saratov circus, which is one of the oldest in the world, while looking at an office building or hear about the grand Saratov Theater, while looking at an old wooden shack.

Here we get a chance to take pictures of each other in front of the grand Saratov Opera House!

As we follow him enthusiastically and he shares his knowledge with us, and allowing for some opportunities to take some pictures, people overhearing Andrei’s explanations are visibly confused!

The tour leads us through some old streets and famous avenues, while I am learning all about other streets and avenues, which I am not seeing. It’s really interesting what that does to the brain! My head does not want to collaborate! In the end we find ourselves at the edge of the Volga where Andrei in Nizhniy calls Andrei in Saratov who has also just concluded his city tour with great excitement. We will be excited to hear about his experiences!

Ready to hit the Streets

2009-05-25T13:11:00.001-07:00

Now everyone is ready to hit the streets with their projects. It has been a hard week with very intense discussions, usually from noon until ten or ten thirty at night. For many of them this is the first time that they have ever been so challenged to think about their own feelings and were really challenged to express themselves. But now, that everyone has come up with such wonderful projects I feel so unbelievably rewarded! Each and every project is so insightful and so clear and beautiful. No artist? I feel excited to have proven the point that everyone can be an artist, as long as they are willing to do the work to deeply go inside of themselves to find something individual.

Andrei Nosov and Andrei Amirov

2009-05-25T12:49:00.000-07:00

The next day the two Andreis come in and introduce their joint idea and tell us that they would like to do a joint project, one in Nizhniy and one in Saratov, where Andrei Amirov is traveling to the following day and will stay until Sunday. They both have lived in Nizhniy all their lives and seem to have lost their appreciation for this beautiful place! Andrei Amirov who sometimes feels like he is losing himself a bit in helping people really needs to do a project which questions that very action.

The idea is that each of them will hold a city tour in each of the two cities at the same time of approximately the same duration. However, Andrei Amirov in Saratov would be holding a city tour about Nizhniy talking about very specific sights and buildings of Nizhniy and this in great detail! This, while pointing at buildings and sights Satartov. Andrei Nosov, however will be here in Nizhniy and will lead us around Nizhniy, while talking about Saratov. This very absurd situation would really create a great sense of confusion in each of the listener’s mind, and people passing by would really be wondering whether they themselves had either drunk too much or too little Vodka! J We all love the idea and are extremely excited!!!

Valentin Perenizvic

2009-05-23T03:52:00.000-07:00

Valetin, who seems like a very sensitive quiet person, responds to my question of what he thought or felt during my lecture that he liked my talk very much and that it reminded him of Buddhist texts he had read in the past. He tells us that the last project which I showed them, the project Happy Death and Birth into Now, which demonstrates an individual, who is completely wrapped up in her thoughts, entirely trapped in her society dream (shown in the piece as her sewn into an installation resembling a spider web).

As I ask him how he feels himself and how see sees himself mirrored in this image, he tells us that he himself often feels trapped in his silence; that he used to be silent to not disagree with people but then started to get used to this state and lost the courage to speak up completely. We suggest that he should do a project in which he has to speak up and break the silence. Later in the group he tells us the situation which happens to him from time to time, when playing with a band and he ends up playing music which he doesn't even like, just to support and please the others. Then he suggests a project in which he could start out with playing music he rally hates but then slowly changing to the music he loves and with it also his facial expression would transform to more chereful. Unfortunately, that was the last time we ever saw him and we are left wondering how it would ave been for him to break the silence.

Olga Vlasova

2009-05-23T02:02:00.000-07:00

Upon the question of what struck Olga personally during my lecture, what thoughts and feelings crossed her mind, she tells us that she was especially interested in the idea of thoughts constantly occupying our minds, that she knew exactly what I was talking about and that she would like to express the feeling of the oppression this other being, the thinking entity creates in herself. As we move around this subject matter with our conversation, trying to find a form for this entity, she remarks that it felt a bit like a worm that was eating it’s way through her brain or that it could also be like a sort of Siamese twin, an other self, which is attached to her body that it cannot be removed without being killed. She continues the story telling us that she has been feeding this other self for years, but that she is now tired, as she sees, she does not need it anymore. This other self distracts her from being open to the world by constantly getting her wrapped up in conversations and takes her energy by constantly needing to be fed. In the piece she would like to do, she would create something that would look like her double, attached to her side; an entity which she would be feeding, a situation of two people completely absorbed in their closed exchange. Eventually, as she would discover that she is not as interested in this exchange with this Siamese twin as she used to be, she would just little by little stop feeding the other self and in that way the other self would shrink and eventually disappear, allowing her to exist as a whole, completely open and present perfect self.

This seems like such a wonderful idea and I am very excited to see how it will grow through further discussion with the group and her thinking it through further.

Unfortunately that is the last we ever see of her.

Julia Kolodova

2009-05-23T01:35:00.001-07:00

Julia tells us about how she realizes that she slowly enters the world of adults, how she is slowly gliding into the life of a general citizen, a life in which one gets married, has children and does all the things one is expected to be doing. And that she does not like this development. She says that she always says yes to people, that in fact she would love, if all the people who are pushing her in this direction of “adulthood” should just leave her alone. She spends so much time with these people that she has lost the sense of what she really wants. The only thing she knows, is that the development that is taking place with her right now feels wrong. This makes us think of the difference of yes and no and what it means to say yes for real; that not until you dare to say no to a person, are you really free to say yes; a completely committed yes. She doesn’t really understand what I mean, so I elaborate that you really get to know people and their commitment towards you, when you say no to them. After saying NO and they don’t abandon you, but give you the space to be different, only then you can be your true self with them. We continue talking about the fact that act of communicating with people and spending time with people is also associated with the danger of losing the connection with oneself, the danger of having the voices from the outside drown out the inner voices. So I tell her that the inner voice or the sense of self can only be felt, if one spends some time alone, some time in silence to connect with that inner self.

Later in the group, Julia speaks about silence, but a different silence. She speaks about her silence she feels trapped in, the silence which forces her to live the life she does not identify with, the silence which she does to not offend anyone, to fit into the social structure. The group wants her to do a project which encourages her to create more free space around her, a project which encourages her to break that silence she describes, but she uses the clock, the seven minutes I had calculated which everybody should have to talk about their project as an excuse to be silent again and, unfortunately, that is the last thing we would ever hear of her.

On the day of presentation, when everybody showed their project in the streets, she appears with a big smile, as we know her apologizing that she was unable to participate due to all the exams she had to prepare for, as this week was unfortunately also the week of exams at the university. But with great excitement and offering great support, she visits all the sites of her fellow workshop members and is so happy to see all of it.

Anna Tolkacheva

2009-05-23T01:30:00.001-07:00

As we sit down and I ask her what feeling, thoughts and memories passed through her mind, while I was giving my lecture, she thinks for a very, very, very long time. Then she says that she really enjoyed my lecture and that my lecture made her feel deeply happy. I ask her if she can feel any relationship between the feelings of anxiety I illustrate and her own life and she tells us that she always feels that she can never physically move freely enough, when she spends time in the streets or other public places. She tells us that sometimes she tried a bit making strange movements, but very carefully, not to scare other people and that some time she takes a different route than the most direct way ore walks completely in the opposite direction, even if she afterwards has to go back, just to experience the shift of doing something different or absurd. She says that she would like to do a project about that. We like that Idea and suggest discussing it with the group later. After the meeting with her, I laugh with Masha, because I had been especially struck by her movements when I first watched her enter the room! I tell Masha that I rarely had seen somebody move so freely with such vast, expressive, swinging motions as she is able to do. I am very curious indeed, as to where this would lead to, if SHE challenges herself to be completely free!

On the next day, as we ask Anna again about her project, she says that she is very interested in Masha’s position as an interpreter and that communication os often where it’s lacking in our society, Therefore she would like to do a project that involves communication. With the group she comes up with her project of telling some random stranger a phrase she is burning to say to a specific person but lacks the courage to do so. After delivering the phrase, which in fact was really meant for someone else she asks the listener if the or her could tell her a sentence he or she was dying to say but couldn’t. And then she would take this phrase to the next person and so on. She would do this exercise until she felt that she heard what she needed to hear to move on with her life.

We all really like this idea and talk wither about the possibilities of costume. Does she want to be her self or does she want to take on another identity to give the project a more formal character. She chooses her direct self.

Katja Shugaeva

2009-05-23T01:08:00.000-07:00

Katja tells us that during the lecture she thought of a very repressed man who wants to free himself. We ask if this repressed man could be her. She says yes, she feels like that too because of all the things parents, teachers and friends tell her. She feels very trapped in a world between not being allowed to do something or having to do something. Do you think people mean bad with telling you what to do? That’s not what it’s about, she says, it’s just that she feels bad about having people always tell her what to do. She continues talking about this man and tells us that he would like to run away to a distant island. As we ask her what would happen on this island, what the man might do there all by himself, she has a blank. I suggest that the group should help her to find out what freedom might mean for this man. In the group she presents the same idea and together they find a more defined form for the project. Dressed up in a suit with tie to represent this man, she now wants to address people in the streets and invite them, to help her liberation process, by writing down things they themselves felt forced to do on an a roll of masking tape. After writing those phrases she would then ask the people to wrap them around her body. She would keep inviting people to do this until she would be completely tied down and unable to move at all. Then she would start asking passers by to liberate her to make society, which first constricted her also do that liberation work for her.

Andrei Amirov

2009-05-23T00:50:00.000-07:00

Andrei has been doing projects with the Contemporary Art Center before and seems very well versed in the idea of giving form to ideas. He will, however not be here most of the week, as he is traveling for an other project. However, he says that he wants to do something anyway and participate. He tells us about his work as a social worker and his feelings that he is always helping others while not really getting enough in return. He tells us, however, that with his friends he is completely different. That with his friends he just lets himself go and lets them take care of him, as he is aware of the imbalance. However, he adds that it doesn't seem to work fully, as he still feels a bit unsatisfied. I suggest that probably each relationship needs to have its own balance; that the time he spends with his friends probably can't make up for the lack he feels with the people he helps through his job. Also, it seems to me, that if he never gives the people he meets through his job, the people who seem nable to help themselves a chance to learn how to help him, which perhaps could be the perfect chance for them to learn how to help someone without them becoming dependent, they might never find a chance to learn to have balanced relationships themselves. So I would love to have him do a project in which he could have the people he’s helping through his job do something for him in return. He tells us the story of a woman who he helped in his work who once said that she would take him out to a pizzeria, but then it somehow never took place; that she never called him back although she said she would. But he agrees that it would be nice to do a project that addresses his situation and wants to think about it. However, this time this would be difficult, as he will be traveling. So he will think of something that addresses this issue in some other ways.

Nadja Lebedeva

2009-05-23T00:41:00.000-07:00

Nadja approaches us and announces firmly that she has no need for a translator, that she wants to speak English, as she is able to speak SIX languages and wants to become an interpreter. As she starts to form her curly sentences, as Masha describes it, she tells us that with every new language she studies, she feels more trapped. That she in fact feels that knowing so many words and so many expressions for everything literally makes her feel paralyzed. I suggest, that I don’t think it’s the languages themselves that seem to make her feel trapped, but that I get an incredible sense of pressure and ambition from just watching and listening to her. I ask her if she ever feels, that she might have also an other side, a side that is not so responsible, a side that sometimes just wants to sleep or be lazy. She says that she doesn’t think that she has such a side and if did, she would not be interested in it! There is so much work to do! I tell her about my own struggles of letting go, my struggles of wanting to control everything and that sometimes this tendency of mine just ends up killing everything I have just created, because it’s so hard know when to let things be or have faith that they will keep growing by themselves. I tell her that I have discovered that after creating something or working on something, that one has to give this new entity a chance to take on it’s own life and have it’s own personality separate from one self, like a seed that one has planted; It’s important to allow a sense of trust. Only with this trust life can really start happening.

She does not seem to like what I am telling and keeps talking about what she wants, and that she wants to work in group and that one has to think about who would be the leader of such a group and, and, and… I feel like she is not hearing me. Then I ask her to repeat what I had just said. She then repeats my sentence word by word, which is incredible because coming from her, my sentences do not seem to say the same thing as how it sounded coming from me. That’s quite something! Let’s wait until the group meets and see what they have to say, I suggest.

In the group we again are being confronted with her vast language skills and everybody starts to become very annoyed. In that moment Masha explains to her that she is walking a very dangerous path, that she is identifying with her linguist/translator identity so much, that she is in real danger of losing her knowledge of all her other aspects that she should do a project not involving her language but some other form of expression. Finally she, tgether with the group comes up with the idea of asking people in the streets about their childhood fears and then drawing them, to help them seeing them more objectively and so letting go of the fear entirely.

Here, we are discussing, whether it is really such a good idea to wear a silly hat when asking people about their childhood fears. I say, If you went to the bank to open up a bank account and the clerk would wear such a hat. Would you feel comfortable to deposit your money with them? It's about trust. If you want people to trust you, you have to be a bit serious.

Julia Novikova

2009-05-23T00:04:00.000-07:00

Julia tells us that she just recently arrived in Nizhniy Novgorod and, although she never had this problem before, she feels that she has a hard time connecting with people here. She feels that this city is very cold. She feels very isolated with people constantly listening to headphones in the bus, and especially, when she has very strong feelings about something, she cannot connect. However often elderly people approach her and she wonders why this happens only with old people!! My presentation made her think of a video clip which describes a girl walking in the streets dragging her immensely big heart along. On the way to meet the man she loves people in the streets are all smiling, but when her love sees her with such a big heart, he gets so scared that he runs away. Julia feels that this clip describes her feelings very well and she adds that she has no images of her own and feels that she has a heart as big as the girl in the clip and nobody appreciates it. In the group later, as we readdress her issue, Andrei asks, why everybody else has to do all the work to connect! Also, during the whole evening, she barely ever opened her mouth and suddenly, when spoken to, so thaws and speaks in a very lively manner and very eloquently. So the group suggests that she should do a project in the streets of Nizhniy, in which SHE has to approach the people to learn to do the first step. As we ask her what she thinks the city needs, she says that the city needed a place where people can express their needs and wishes, that she would like to make a box made of mirrors, carry it around the streets as a whish fairy and invite people to write down their wishes and then drop them through a slot into the box. The box needs to be made of mirrors, as people will be confronted with their own faces, as they are dropping their wish into the box reminding them that in fact they themselves are the only ones who can really make their whishes come true.

We are all completely stunned about this idea, which seems so positive, so pure and so poetic! This girl who just before confessed not having any of her own images!

Ksenia Rushnikova

2009-05-22T23:55:00.000-07:00

Ksenia tells us that she loves dancing. However she realized lately that she is not able to dance on her own, that she always needs someone to demonstrate; that she has no faith in her own capacity. This is something she would like to work with: create a project to free herself and to find out weather she has any talent, courage and creativity in herself. She continues that she sometimes catches herself dancing, but only when she is unaware while waiting for a bus or walking and listening to music with headphones. In such moments she catches herself dancing a bit. But, certainly, in the very moment, she catches herself, she stops! She now wants to do a project, which challenges her to overcome this block; a project which makes her dance and dance in the streets no matter wheter people are watching or not. Just to be free to express herself and to find her own inner voice.

In the group we discuss the different possibilities and she suggests a project in which she would walk along the streets normally and then start observing people, asn as if not even thinking about it, start copying their movements. She would do this for a while until the people being copied would realize and look at her. In that very moment she would change and elaborate her movements to a free associated dance. We are all very interested in this idea and I am really impressed about her courage! When I ask her what she would be wearing for such a performance, she adds:” Her dance clothes, of course!”

The next day is preparation day. Everyone comes in with materials and ready to construct their piece or solidify their idea. Also Ksenia comes in with a big plastic bag and I am really very curious! When I get to her, however, she tells me that she was so wonderfully inspired by my talk that she felt like a completely different person. In fact she heard a completely new voice coming from within herself! However, today, the voice is gone, completely! She says that she realizes that she likes to talk about ideas but is not the type that likes to execute. She is determined to drop the whole idea and not do any kind of project! Masha and I are very shocked! I tell her that I had been very impressed when she first came up with the idea and that I had thought that even I would have a very hard time doing something like that. I tell her that there are many ways we can change the project to make it feel less threatening without losing the message. She is completely set with her mind. She does not want to do it anymore. I tell her that she does not need to prove anything to me or anyone else, but that I want her to be very sure, if she really wants to drop it, that this is really the best decision for her, that I would feel very bad if she had any regrets later or if she would feel bad about herself. She doesn’t want to change her mind, but doesn’t get up either. So I ask her:” What are you still sitting here? I am here to work! If you don’t want to work with me and are set with your mind, also our conversation is over and you should get up now and make space for the students who want to do their project.” This sounds very harsh, I know. But it was the only thing that made sense in that moment and I know, she understands.

Daniil Bulichev and Natalia Lazareva

2009-05-22T00:45:00.000-07:00

First we meet Daniil Bulichev and Natalia Lazareva. They are very determined about doing a project together, separately from the group, just the two of them. They describe that he has so many ideas and thoughts, which she always translates into art.

As we ask what HER own feelings and thoughts are, she admits that she is quite unsure but likes to work with HIS thoughts. Upon me asking, they proudly state that they have been together for thirteen years! First I ask them what thoughts and ideas crossed their minds during my talk and he tells us about his struggle of finding a balance between his professional identity in society and his personal one and that he would like to make a project about the society’s influence on the individual. He then continues describing a tree, which is dressed like a man with a hat and suit growing out of a ground consisting of magazine pages. The tree bears fruits, which are again made of magazine pages. As Masha asks if this tree-person could also be female, he declines immediately, NO! Only a man! This seems just like a project for him and she would just be the executer. We were however hoping for each student to find his or her own voice so we suggest that, if she has this special talent of translating people’s thoughts into art, she could use this for a separate project in which she sat on a public square to translate stories and thoughts of people passing by into art. He immediately protests that she draws way too slowly!! As we realize how steadfast he is to have her work together with him and that she would not disagree with him, we suggest that we continue this conversation the next day to see how the group reacts.

Later in the group they introduce their project to everybody. As the group asks where they themselves would be during the display of this installation in the streets, he says very far away! While she corrects somewhere near by. I ask what would be the personal aspect of such a project and he explained that this project describing an average citizen, it would automatically describe him as well. The group and also Masha and I struggle with them because they are so withdrawn. Eager to do something but absolutely not interested in any input from anyone, determined to do something without really wanting to question it. Then, as he wants to introduce two more ideas, but time has advanced so much already, I suggest that we move on for now and give other people a chance to talk about their idea. The rest of the evening they are completely withdrawn, in fact he pulls out some red pieces of rope he had in his pocked and starts playing with them. As he sees that her attention in not on him but on the discussion going on in the room, he asks her to photograph his tricks he does with the strings borrowing MY camera and eventually they suddenly both just get up and leave without saying goodbye. I feel very challenged by them, I admit! And I do not really expect them back, as he seemed so fixated on his idea completely not interested in the rest of the group.

But, to my amazement the next day, in the middle of the evening, as we are all very well advanced in our conversations about each student’s project, Daniil and Natalia appear, sit down and for a while even participate in the conversation. Some discussions are extremely painstaking and time is ticking and I really want to move on to get a chance to talk to Daniil and Natalia. But then, again, without any announcement, they both get up and want to leave. I tell them that group work does not work like that, that if they have a specific reason for leaving, they need to inform the group, that is to say, if they want to be treated like a part of it and also, they should give the group a chance to have some part in their process as this is how this workshop is supposed to work; I am interested in creating an exchange and eventually a network for all of them, a support group to continue later on. The only aspect, which the group could contribute, Daniil suggests, is to bring as may magazines as possible to the center, so they can create their installation. I am very unhappy about that thought, but as they just walk out, I have to just let it go.

On the next day, many group members come in logging bags of magazines around, unfortunately in vain, as Daniil and Natalia never return. For me, this is a bit frustrating and I wonder what I should have done differently to bring them into the circle. In my mind they are still here and I am struggling.

Andrei Nosov

2009-05-22T00:43:00.001-07:00

Upon my question of what he thought or felt during my presentation he points out that he was very touched by the idea of experiencing a little death. The idea of overcoming the fear of letting go of our thoughts and experience a state of just being, is something he would like to experience. He understands that this is not something that one can plan or make happen, but that one can set up situations, which open up the opportunities for such states. So he is interested in doing some kind of performance.

Valya Kan

2009-05-22T00:38:00.000-07:00

When I ask her what she felt or thought or what kind of memories came into her mind during my presentation she sits silently for a very long time. Then she says that she very well feels and understands what I address in my work and that sometimes there might exist a slight feeling of isolation in her, but that this is not really a problem. Valya is very shy and careful with every sentence and so tender the way she talks; she does not give anything away. As if she were absolutely terrified of saying something wrong. Later in the group we realize that her fear of committing is very real. We are so challenged and don’t know how to help her, as she just has no ideas of what she thinks or feels and is very afraid of saying anything that would upset anyone. But we all feel that she is determined to participate, but feels blocked. As we keep asking, Valya tells us that she doesn’t really know her feelings but that sometimes, she feels a slight sensation of tension in herself, a sensation, which bothers her greatly and she just wants to get rid of it. She does not want to feel, she just wants it to go away. We ask if that tension could be interpreted as feelings, which she does not want to feel? She agrees that that could be the case but does not really know, but in any case she does not want to name them, she is afraid of naming them, as words are so limiting and she could be wrong. I tell her that sometimes one just has to start with naming things, to find out more about them. To be silent leaves things in the dark, that even naming something wrong to later find out that was wrong, is often more effective to find out more about oneself than not daring anything. She agrees that she is too afraid to name her feelings and we help her with coming up with a project, which will help her face her feelings and investigate them.

Together we all come up with the idea of her creating very expressive abstract drawings and then have the people who pass by in the streets where she is stationed interpret them into different categories of feelings. For this she would bring a bunch of boxes along. Each box would be labeled in advance with emotions, one emotion per box and the people would be asked to slide each drawing into one of each boxes and in that way help her name her feelings. How she would come up with the array of emotions to label the boxes we wonder, so somebody suggests that she should just look up emotions in some dictionary or in the internet and then pick the ones she feels might apply to her in one or another way, without being to specific, but just pick them impulsively. This, we all hope would help her to get started, to find, what really wold be the right thing to do to feel and deal with her feelings.

It's been three days, and we feel that things are not really moving along for Valya. Today is the last day for preparations! Tomorrow they all have to hit the streets.

Valya arrives at the Contemporary Art Center with a whole truckload of cardboard boxes, it seems. Her commitment is really so wonderful! But when I ask whether she also brought the list of feelings along, she explains, that she just didn’t know where to start. When I ask her whether she really thought that this project was the right idea for her, she is again so hesitant, that I realize, we have to start from ground zero again; we have to find out where Valya really is.

I ask her what she would like to do for herself and the people in Nizhniy. She says she doesn’t feel at home in Nizhniy, the city she recently moved to, to be together with her boyfriend while having left behind many good friends in an other place. It’s hard to remain yourself in relationships, she explains. Many times, the things the people she loves want to do, are not the things she enjoys or the people they want to spend time with are not the people she enjoys spending time with. Through the conversation we realize that she fears losing the people she loves if she told them her real feelings or opinions. She is so terrified of these disturbing thoughts that come from within her, that she wants to completely repress them.

It’s important to remain an individual I say, especially in relationships and I elaborate with the story of my husband just walking out on me at a performance in the New York Opera house, where I bought very expensive tickets for both of us (after having asked him) to see one of my favorite singers perform. I explain that also I have to realize again and again the need of accepting people being different and that it's the same for people around me who deal with me. Again and again, we have to ask ourselves what we feel in each and every situation. Only in this way can we remain centered. If you don’t know that you feel you can always use a technique, often called meditation, which is really nothing more than sitting and breathing and trying not to hold on to your thoughts. I suggest that we give it a try and we take three chairs and sit in the courtyard where nobody would disturb us, to sit for ten minutes. After this exercise Valya is truly amazed! She is stunned about her experiences of becoming aware of her thoughts and through that being able to let the thoughts go. For the first time, she really feels herself it seems. She says, she feels so light and positive all of a sudden. With that feeling still lingering, I suggest her to go out for a walk and look at the city, to find out what she personally would like to add.

When Valya comes back she is so filled with excitement and even wants to do TWO projects. This feels like an entirely new Valya! She tells us that during the walk she realized that thoughts and feelings were like birds, that she would like to do a project in which she would name people’s feelings and thoughts and then let them fly away. Together we come up with the idea of her walking around Nizhniy and carrying a stack of silk papers with a birds drawn, stamped or printed on each piece of paper. Then she would ask each person she would encounter in the streets, what they thought or felt in that very moment and write it down. Later she would go to the top of the hill of Nizhniy and let all the thoughts fly away. What I like so much about this idea, I tell her, that it would above all help people to become aware of the fact that they are constantly lost in thought and then she would liberate people with her project. Finally, when she would let the papers fly away, they would fly back into the city, perhaps some people would come across some other people’s feelings or, in a case of extreme coincidence, even their own feelings!

Valya's second project, which might be a bit related or perhaps exactly opposite the idea she first thought of doing, is the idea of a big box with her in it.

In this idea, Valya would sit in this big box and placed in the middle of a square or some public place. An alien object, creating a great sense of mystery. As people would pass by, she would hold a piece of paper out through one of the small openings, with the question written on it: Can you help me help you? And then, as people would approach her shelter, she would hold out an other paper with an invitation written on it, asking the people to write down a situation they seem to have a hard time coping with.

As she would not be able to see these people and they in turn would not see her, they would feel less inhibited to be more honest with their real issues, just like in a confession box in the church. Then having collected a struggle, she would write the other aspects or the solution on the other side of the paper and in that way teach people to help themselves just as she needs to learn how to help herself.

My second day: My walk to the Contemporary Arts Center

2009-05-19T23:32:00.000-07:00

A new day in Nizhniy Novgorod:
Today I will find my own way to the Contemporary Art Center office: Olga was really concerned that I don't get lost. So, she told me to first walk past this old building which is the home of some really important government official!

Then take these stairs: It takes a lot of concentration to walk down, as every step is slightly different!

Then walk along this street and make sure you don't get run over by a tram. Those are really too adorable!

Then when reaching this church
walk past and further until you reach the second church:
The Contrasts are to me what is most interesting: These lavish historical architectural gems juxtaposed with the cold and functional communist building machines. Some old houses are especially beautiful! In fact this one I would not mind moving in tomorrow:Then, wow!!! What a view!!! Here I have to cross this bridge. God, I am glad I don't suffer vertigo! More stairs and more spectacular sights! Even the people are so fascinating, how they are part of the whole scenery! At the bottom of the hill is a neighborhood which, until very recently used to be Nizhniy's economic center, with all teh stores and offices:

At the bottom of the hill is also the office of the Contemporary Arts Center, where I will now have individual conversations one by one to find what their needs and ideas are. This is very exciting but also very challenging as I am finding out that most of them are not really used to being asked such direct questions and also feel shy about really speaking their mind.
As I am realizing how intricate these exchanges are and I am completely behind with writing down all the thoughts which are quite layered, sometimes very contradictory and long winded, I am now changing the set up of this blog and instead of dividing up the posts into days, I am now splitting it up among the participants.

My First Day in Nizhniy

2009-05-18T12:05:00.000-07:00

The first day was overwhelming to say the least! But also touching and inspiring to the point that I am wondering whether we might be wasting the money on the hotel, as I am not tired at all but feel endlessly inspired and excited about the days coming.

In the morning I am being picked up by Olga who again is so lovely and caring that I completely loose myself in her presence and feel like floating on her cloud. She brings me to the office of the Contemporary Art Center, where all the fabulous contemporary cultural programs of Nizhniy get organized. On our way there she tells me once again that she is worried that I might be disappointed, as the people that I will be working with are no artists!! At this point I am a bit confused, as I feel like I need to find out more about her definition of artist. For me an artist is an individual who is ready to take some risks, who wants to think outside of the box, an individual who is interested in new life experiences and last, but not least who wants to think and comment on his or her situation and on society and the whole world around us. One friend who is very dear to me has only recently begun painting, but in my mind he has been an artist all his life, as he is constantly searching and pushing the limits. The first part of his adulthood he spent as a caveman, by trying to live as closely to the way people used to live, when they had nothing except, what nature provided them in each and every moment. Then he went to China to completely immerse himself in a new, totally unknown world, again to start again from point zero. Every experience of being completely overwhelmed with the task of surviving is when he seems most fulfilled and happy. Now he started painting and his paintings are some of the most beautiful things I have ever seen!

Now, I don't want to talk about this friend of mine but want to say, that I think everyone is a perfect artist when he or she is completely honest and searching. Keeping the moment always fresh and never taking anything for granted but seeing every situation for what it is. I think the people from Nizhniy Novgorod can be as amazing as anyone, perhaps they are even more tailored for it, as they are so wonderfully passionate and emotional (something I am to find out soon)

As Olga and I enter the Contemporary Art Center office, the organization Olga works for, I am impressed to find a place occupied by countless beautiful Russian women and some fortunate men! The ravish Russian women are no myth indeed!

No wonder this fortress has to be guarded by a security system as high tech and invisible as one would find them in a James Bond film. Look at how she opens the door!

Finally, I am being introduced to Masha, my translator. Now Masha is really a true gem! She has such a lovely open face and is so completely honest, as I have never experienced before. As we start chatting about my work to prepare her for the translation of my talk in the evening, she admits that she had been hoping that I would turn out to be a person with a positive energy, as otherwise she would understand my work as way too depressive, and in that case she would NOT want to do the translation work! She tells me about her struggle when being confronted with my work that she did not understand who I was trying to address. Her father who is a very famous theater director in Nizhniy is always her last resort when she does not know how to deal with a situation, as she and her mother are for him, when he struggles. This time, she tells, that she showed him my website and then asked him how she could possibly love such a person; so negative and hopeless she felt was my message! But then he showed her one specific image, a picture depicting a moment towards the end of my performance Inside-Out, the moment of my liberation and resurrection. He says that this is no coincidence that I had chosen this very specific image!Wow! There is a passionate Russian individual! I am very touched and impressed! I respond that not until you can embrace and love also your dark sides, can you truly live the light!....

Whew I am glad! It seems I passed the test with excellence, in fact, after our talk she proofs to understand and believe in my mission so thoroughly, that she could give the talk herself, explaining the work as well as I can and comparing it to her own life. It feels wonderful to connect in such a way! A very rare experience indeed!!

Then we go for lunch in a very wonderful restaurant! Very Russian style! I feel like Anna Karenina might walk in any minute! They introduce me to the special Russian beer and other delicious treats. The food is almost shockingly authentic and each luscious space filled with music, as are the streets!

In the afternoon we visit the Arsenal, a part of the Kremlin which has been allocated to the contemporary art center among some other cultural institutions for the purpose of displaying art and other aspects of Nizhniy's historical treasures. Anna, the director of the Contemporary Art Center takes us together with some very important governmental decision makers on a tour through the spaces of the Arsenal, which are being renovated. This tour is to inform us about the urgent need of the very important role of this place and the Contemporary Art Center and also the importance of preserving such a fabulous example of architecture.

The walls of the Kremlin are so thick, that even now in mid May, when outside the sun is already pleasantly warm, we can still experience the icy cold of Nizhniy's ruthless December nights; these five months later!!! I really hope these VIPs will give the funding! This is really a marvelous place! It will hopefully become the house of cutting edge video art, sight specific installations and other new impressions by and to the inhabitants of Nizhniy who are, as I am told, terribly starved for cultural experiences! In fact there is not even a contemporary art education program in town! This is why the work of the Nizhniy Contemporary Art Center, which Anna runs, is so very important!

Now, we have to run back to get ready for the talk. As the students look at the images and videos of my work, I stress that it is their reactions and comparisons to their own lives, that are most important. Through my work I talk about fears, feelings of vulnerability and the desire of hiding and armoring oneself with heavy protective skins and shields. I talk about my own struggle of not knowing how to deal with unkown situations and my desire to heal and liberate myself and to find contact with the world therough my art.

At the end of my presentation I am very excited, to find out that my talk evoked feelings of deep kinship in all the listeners. Once again, it shows that the theme I have been working with for decades is a theme that is very universal, a theme that speeks to everyone: The human struggle of becoming acquainted with one's individual voice and finding space to exist in society.

Now I am interested in each of the participants personal experience of awkwardness in the rigid structure around us, a construct, which often seems too tight to even breathe in. Wea are ending the night with individual dialogues, one by one with the first four of each of the students. Amazing Masha is holding up so well, translating each and every thought and even enriching the process of discovery with her invaluably sharp observations. Everyone seems to respond so unbelievably well and is eager to come up with a project of their own. They have identified with the theme I presented so unbeliavably well, that they are applying it already to their own lives and are eager to challenge their deepest fears and to share their very individual voices with the people in the streets of Nizhniy Novgorod; a process which should help them to feel more at home in this city.

This was a long day! I feel like I deserve my cherished tongue salad in the lavish restaurant in the hotel while writing down my thoughts.... good night!

Trip to Nizhniy

2009-05-17T02:47:00.000-07:00

New York to Nizhniy Novgorod. Two separate worlds it seems. Very few of the people in New York I told about my trip had ever heard of Nizhniy before. Also I have to admit, I also have to count myself to those uneducated individuals! Only one friend, David, the one who often surprises me with his vast knowledge of strangest oddities, he wondered whether Nizhniy might be the city, where Andrei Rublev had lived. Nizhniy Novgorod, the "new" city, as the name says it, the home town of the medieval artist Andrei Rublev, the one portrayed in the unforgettable epic by Tarkovsky? One of my favorite movies of all times!

It seems just these facts already seem to burst my imagination and make me even more curious and excited!

I have skyped with Olga the organizer of my visit in Nizhniy. She seems like such a lovely girl, always laughing and very positive. In our skype conversation she keeps stressing that she is concerned that I might be disappointed, that I shuld not have too high expectations from the people I will be working with, as thy are no artists! I assure her that that is not a disadvantage, in contrary! I am excited to wrk with people who are not jaded, people who are excited, who want to do something. The only thing I absolutely do need from, something which is essentially vital to participate inthis project is life experience! I don't think that there should be any lack of that! She is very relieved and we leave it at that. The next time she contacts me she is telling me about the woman who will be translating who would love to have some texts to work with to prepare herself. I am very touched that this woman is so enthusiastic that she wants to put work into this project already in advance!

Leaving New York is difficult, as my life there and the coty itself seem to have an increadiby tight grip on me. I am sad and worried that I might not be prepared adequately to meet everyone's needs in Nizhniy. The journey is long! After a 25hour trip in which I had to change airplane in Frankfurt, I arrive extremely exhausted. The passport control seems a very tedious with two officers checking each passport so thoroughly, I wonder if they are counting each pixel of each page singularly! And then, when it is my turn, the main official stares into my eyes for such a long time and so intensely that I get all confused. What is he looking for in my eyes???? (swine flu I later learn!!)

Finally, when I make it through I am being received by the lovely Olga, the local organizer of my visit. She inspires me with her bubbly charm, that I forget completely how tired I just felt a couple of minutes ago. Together we are being driven to my hotel, an adorable place decorated in the typical lavish stile one would ask from a Russian enterprise and just the way I like it!